Ugly

Yep. I'm ugly. I've said it before because I thought I was fat, but I'm pretty much over that now. Although, if I had the money and the guts there are a couple of surgeries I think I could justify. Not because God didn't make me right - just to fix what I've broken with gluttony and allergic reactions to exercise. But really, I'm okay with my outside me. I just got a glimpse at my inside part that ain't so pretty.

Several weeks ago we were challenged by Pastor Mike to get raw with our sin...THE sin...the ONE that so easily entangles (Heb. 12:1). So, in the spirit of transparency, here goes my ugliness:

Pride. I know. You were hoping for something scandalous.

It's such a short word. And it can be a good word. I'm proud of my kids. I'm proud of my husband. I'm proud to be a Christian. But really, it's a dangerous, dangerous thing. Every time that word is used, it's just a hairline fracture from a complete break in goodness.

And it's an ugly word. Ugly because it takes the focus from the One who is beyond Beautiful and zeros in on the unholy, fragmented weakness of one who is striving to be viewed as more than she is. Someone once told me that when you look at any God-created thing in a microscope each zoom of the lens reveals a beauty of greater depth. But when you look more closely at a man-made object it gets boxier, clumsier, and...uglier. I'd so much rather look at what God has done instead of what I have done.

Not sure I can even pinpoint what my pride looks like. It's mostly my thoughts turning inward - looking at me and what I'm doing. Even "I want to be an example" or "I want others to look at me and see Jesus" is about me. I suppose some people can say those things and still be completely humble, but I'm not there yet.

So, I want to throw off this dead weight - this sin that has tentacles that grab onto every act I seem to do. Yep, I'm ready to be covered up in His Glory! Here's what I mean (you gotta see the Glorious banner go up!):



"Humble yourself, and He will lift you up." (James 5:10) He will lift you up. And Paul adds a little clarity to when - "in due time." (1 Peter 5:6) It's been said to humble yourselves - or God will do it for you! I don't know how long it will take me to get this humility thing going in the right direction. According to C.S. Lewis, I've taken the first step.

The first step [to acquire humility] is to realize that one is proud. And a biggish step, too. At least, nothing whatever can be done before it. If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.