Did you HEAR that????????

It was a terrible, annoying slurping sound. Oh my gosh, it was awful! I can't really describe it. It kept me from getting anything done today.

It was the sound of me getting sucked into politics.

Dang it.

What birthdays are for

I'm smack dab in the middle of birthday season at our house, so we're all into planning, partying, and thank-youing. With Amanda's tragic death last week and Matthew and Amanda sharing a birthday, I wasn't sure how much Matthew got the whole reality of it. (Not that I wanted him to really get reality, just wasn't sure it registered at all.)

Out of the blue this week he told me, "Mom, I know what birthdays are for: to get older to go up to heaven and live with God."

Yep. Think he got it. And a little better than the reality I was thinking of.

In Memory of Amanda

Amanda Willard. What a dry sense of humor. And boy, could she keep my kids in line! She babysat for our couples' group. She held each of my kids in the nursery at Morning Star Church at some point or another. She babysat a few times at our home even. It's no wonder she wanted to be a teacher.

Today is her 20th birthday. She shares it with my son, Matthew. It's going to be hard to celebrate his 6th birthday, because Amanda lost control of her Jeep Friday afternoon on her way home from college.

Lost control.

That's what has me so shook up, I guess. My biggest fear is that I'll lose control. Ha. I don't even have control in the first place. It's just the randomness of things like this that remind me that I don't have control. I guess it's random. Is it? Does my God of order and sovereignty allow randomness? He is sovereign. And He is just. And He is merciful. It's just this ache I feel is churning in me. Even though I have a great hope in the joy of eternal life, this just hurts.

So please say a prayer for Amanda's parents, Ken and Mary. Saturday will be excruciating. She's their only child. She was coming home for her birthday.

Amanda Willard
8.16.1988
8.15.2008

Gratefulness

grate·ful: \grāt-ful\; adj.
1: appreciative of benefits received
2 a: affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing b: pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

Appreciative. Pleasure. Contentment. Comfort.

I overheard a conversation tonight that left me thinking about gratefulness.

I took my kicking and screaming I-don't-want-to-go-because-I-want-to-play-with-my-friend ten year old daughter down to the local food pantry tonight. Now, normally she's jumping for joy when we get to go bag groceries and hand out food, but tonight she decided she only wanted to play with the neighbor girl because she has been on vacation for a whole 4 days. We keep track of her service hours for a scouting program she's in and she told me at dinner, "If I go, I'm not writing it down on my service sheet, because it's not really serving if I don't want to go!" Well, I so admired her truthfullness and insight that I promptly replied, "Okay. We don't have to write it down." That ticked her off. Just the way a mother should!

Of course, she absolutely loved it and it was great mother/daughter time. She called each item off the sheet and I bagged the appropriate number of green beans, mac and cheese, soups, etc. Even though we haven't personally met the families yet, we know how many people there are and the number of kids and their ages. It's fun to decide which snacks to put in the bag or what kind of canned pasta they might like or if the green peppers are a better choice than the zucchini. Emilee and I would confer on which cereal and juice the kids would like based on their ages. It's hard sometimes when they'll ask for something particular and that shelf is bare. Tonight there were no desserts, no canned meats, very few fruits. But my favorite part is walking outside where the clients are waiting and calling out the name to see who the groceries belong to. Even though there's not a lot to personalize, we feel like we've hand-picked each item just for them so we want to see if we chose well.

So I was rather hurt when I heard one disgruntled client complain to another, "Yeah, last time I got no fruits, no vegetables, no desserts. You know. They just didn't give me nothin'."

I thought, "Are you kidding me? You don't see the shelves in there. Don't you know that we're trying our best to meet your needs? Can't you just be grateful for the four bags of groceries that you got for free?"

It bothered me the rest of the evening. And then on the drive home, I crawled out of my judgemental tent I often pitch for myself (it's well used and rather convenient). I flipped that grateful mirror around and kinda didn't like what I saw. How often do I do that to God? How often do I look at what He's given me and only see what He hasn't give me? How often do I overlook the hand-picked, God-ordained, unique gifts - tangible and intangible - He has given me? Way too often.

And my kids. Well, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've been known to shake my head at them saying, "Oh, you ungrateful children of Israel. When will you stop complaining?!" Just today I told them that I think whining, complaining children ought to have all their toys, clothes, food, and friends taken away from them until they can appreciate what they have. They didn't like that idea, but I think it would work.

Apparently King David thought it would, too. The Psalms are so comforting to me because David's emotions are so raw. He's so transparent. In one moment he is praising His God and firmly standing on the Rock, and in the next he's telling God to slay all his enemies and cursing them and really being pretty ugly. I can kinda relate to that. In Pslam 109:17b he's pretty upset with his enemies (who, in reality, are trying to kill him, so no wonder he lashes out so much) and he says his enemy "found no pleasure in blessing - may it be far from him." Mom translation: You don't appreciate it, well then, you don't get it. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away (Job 1:21).

We sing this song at church about needing holiness, righteousness, and faithfulness. Our worship leader (dropping names here: Mark Roach) will ask us each to sing our own word - which of those three do we feel like we need the most. It's pretty cool when the whole congregation is being vulnerable by not singing the same thing as the person next to them. While I certainly need more of each one of those, I've always wanted to stick in "gratefulness" - not necessarily because I felt like I needed it, but because it was another "ness" and rhymed well. Now I'm thinking that was a bit of the Spirit trying to crack through my unappreciative greed (because isn't that what ungratefulness really is? Greed?).

Gratefulness, Gratefulness is what I long for.
Gratefulness is what I need.
Gratefulness, gratefulness is what You want from me.
So take my heart and form it.
Take mind transform it.
Take my will conform it
To Yours, to Yours, oh Lord.

Oh, and I asked Emilee on the way home if we could write this time on her service sheet. She giggled and said yea.